Finnish Jewelry From Whiskey Drinking Swedes and Namibian Scam Artists

When there is a full moon out and you're invited near midnight to come over to a friend's house, you don't question it—you go. Because you know it's better than playing Mafia Wars home alone or organizing your bookshelf on a Saturday night. I found my friends in the back yard—four of which were semi-naked gay men lounging in a jacuzzi, the others gorgeous Spaniards. I know what you're thinking—you wish you knew the people I do. Well, you should. They somehow bring out the—regaling side of me.

My best friend told me to pull up a chair around the jacuzzi, "Luthy, grab a chair." Oh, yes, this circle of friends calls me Luthy—an explanation worthy of a story all its own. Well, as my ass touched the white plastic chair, my friend said a little too late, "Not that one Luthy it's broke—crash—nnn!" There were concrete plant holders and steps behind me that I could have cracked my skull open on had I fallen backwards when I fell. Instead, I went down like a building that had been carefully demolished—straight down with no collateral damage. And it happened in slow motion. And it was funny. My friend Sara, one of the most beautiful Spanish women I know laughed, Marcos screamed, "Are my flowers ok?" and Oscar came over, "Are you o.k. Luthy? Luthy why don't you get off the ground, Luthy can't I help you up? Don't you want to get up Luthy?" And I was laughing and decided I quite liked the ground anyway. Sara and I couldn't stop laughing, Andy, Danny, and Ismael were politely quiet, Oscar was concerned about me sitting on the ground and Marcos was distraught that his new plants might have been injured. I love my friends.

I joked that the chair was the story of my life—bad things happen to me...and they tend to be funny. That of course provoked Marcos into asking me to tell some of the more tragically funny stories that have happened in my life. So after my near death experience in front of the jacuzzi full of half-naked gay men, I was urged to regale them with my romantic woes. But some of the highlights? A teaser? Let's see.

• Max stole my ATM card and $20 after an...encounter.
• Same night, different date, a chef with the last name of Baker taught me how to shoot pool, only to bite me later in the Tenderloin as his cat ate food off the window sill and transvestite hookers fought over turf outside his window.
• Burger boy from Sweden gave me a necklace from Finland with the best of Finnish cubic zirconium. And during a week-long stay with me he drank whiskey like it was water. Oh and he decided to wear my pants and follow me around the apartment, and... Oh did I mention I was engaged to him for awhile?
• The most gorgeous man I have met yet in this life being cruel to me on our only date. Not a complete loss, he was that gorgeous and inspired one of my first published poems. menthol-medicated cream
• Discovering that the dashing British man I met on eHarmony was in fact a man from Namibia who wanted me to send him money. And when I refused and told him he was a scam artist, he basically threatened to rape and kill everyone who ever knew me.

This is just the beginning folks. And just like I did with model boy, I'm turning this strangely tragic and yet funny karma that follows me into art. That chair is a visual metaphor for my romantic entanglements—I fall down, I get hurt, I cry, I get back up, I laugh, I make art.

Sara said maybe it's something I've done—karma—to have earned all of this bad luck. Or maybe, it's my muse and my opportunity for insight and art. And besides that...sad as these stories may start out—in the end, I get to make people laugh and they appreciate their own love and life. Some of us get true love. Others get to make people realize how lucky they truly are.

Bring it on world. And stay tuned for more: Eduardo from Panama, Loz from an island in the sea, the McNuggets-in-the cemetary-Greek-drummer, shaved-leg biker, married stalker, money-offering Jose ($500 no less), Darwin, various marriage proposals that included goats, sadistic librarians, Adam from Puerto Rico, Tino, Joán from Holland, Majid and the Sheriff outside the pizza parlor, the men from the coffee shop, the German tourist who wanted to photograph me, the Russian man who bought me cookies because he wanted to paint me...